Highly dangerous comestible.
To whom it may concern,
I wish to raise a formal complaint.
At Christmas 2019 I was the recipient of many magnificent gifts from my long-term and much esteemed friend, Maggie. Amongst this treasure trove of delicacies was a container of Gentlemen’s Relish (one of my favourite comestibles).
I had investigated this precious gift on frequent previous occasions but could not discover any method of opening the receptacle. Last night, in the midst of the Corona Crisis and without any other possible sustenance, I once again endeavoured to lay siege to the container.
I commenced with a sharp knife and only managed to chip the exterior so desisted from fear of damage and injury to my person. Despite its construction in very heavy duty plastic, I next tried a tin opener (several times) with no better success. Eventually I resorted to a pair of sturdy kitchen shears. The result was more heartening with plastic fragmentation possible at each determined cut. Although I’m blind and so could not see the progress, I could hear it as the pieces of plastic rebounded around the kitchen with considerable velocity.
I was eventually able to partially open the indestructible container and excavate some of the contents. These proved satisfyingly delicious but dissatisfyingly insufficient in offsetting the considerable energy expended in gaining access and subsequently vacuuming the kitchen to recover the plastic shards.
I appreciate that this may all be part of a calorie controlled diet: namely, it takes more energy to access the food than it provides when digested. Notwithstanding which, I raise this complaint as there were no markings on the culpable container to designate it as inaccessible for a disabled consumer or any other person of right mind!
I attach an image which may be used in evidence.
The safer alternative is to drain a tin of anchovies, add a knob of butter and the juice of half a lemon plus a good grind of black pepper. Whiz the mix to a paste and spread on hot toast – delicious!
